A Nuyorican Vision - Thoughts in Motion

Today, I did the most insensitive thing I could ever do to a person I love. I called him and left a message that really should have waited for another time. I have no explanation for doing this. All I can say is that I thought about this message prior to leaving it. I did wrestle with the insensitivity of it all. But my emotions were overpowering. I am not offering any excuses. I was wrong.

The strongest emotion that I was feeling was being pushed out of this man's life yet again. It seems to me that every single time, I become one of the "others" as opposed to one of the "us". I know there are many people who do this in life but with a long distance relationship this causes a big strain. On Wednesday, while texting I felt this distance, this "other" category that I am always put in. I decided to stay quiet due to recent events but that did not by any means made me feel as if all was OK for now. I just snapped when I saw the name that I keep seeing all the time. I just could no longer, as much as I tried, restrain myself. I guess the lack of sleep did not help me either. This name just tormented me. Plus the cavalier way in which I was basically placed in the "other" category made me to lose it. Something has to give is all that went into my head. I keep telling myself wait not now but by Thursday morning, the emotions were too strong, I put the phone down so many times but I finally did it. I finally caused the dam to break. Unfortunately, how the message was delivered was wrong. Actually, the message was never communicated effectively. How could it be when it was done illogical and in such an insensitive way? Again, there is no excuse for my behavior. None. Although, all these emotions were running amok inside of me, I am a logical adult and as such, my actions were deplorable.

So, what should I do? After much thought, I can't believe that I am now becoming so insensitive to others and their situation especially to someone I love. This is NOT me, at all. I have decided to really walk away this time and not look back nor look forward with this person. He will be completely obliterated from my life.

Update: I spoke to my friend who has known me for more than 18 years. She was extremely surprised and concerned on what would cause me to react this way. Then she actually went step by step with me on my actions and what I was thinking at each step. It was very surprising what I learned when she did this practice. My insensitivity was definitely a reaction to all of these pent-up feelings that I had - this week's and the past several months. We both agreed my actions were not my normal response to my emotions and that I was extremely insensitive due to the rage that was building. So now what? Well, I need to examine and work on a solution so that I get myself back to a healthy emotional state and prevent this from ever happening again.